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Memorial and sympathy gifts

Updated

A sympathy gift tells a grieving person that you remember the one they lost, and that you remember them. It does not need to be large. It needs to be kind and well timed.

These ideas range from practical help in the first weeks to keepsakes for the months after. Each one says when it fits and what you need to know.

At a glance

Gift ideas, who each one suits, and typical cost
GiftBest forTypical cost
A star map of a night that matteredA family a few weeks laterFrom US$49 per print
Meals for the first weeksA family in the first weeksUS$75–US$150
A memory jarA family who love storiesUnder US$25
A memorial tree or plantA family with a gardenUS$25–US$75
A print of their handwritingClose family with a sampleUS$25–US$75
A shared photo bookA family months after the lossUS$25–US$75
A donation in their nameAnyone, close or distantUS$25–US$75
A memory cushion or quilt from their clothesClose family, when readyUS$75–US$150
A handwritten letter with one memoryAnyone who knew the personFree
Practical helpA friend or neighbour nearbyFree
A memorial candleAnniversaries and hard daysUnder US$25
A framed photo of the personFriends with photos to shareUS$25–US$75

  1. A star map of a night that mattered

    A star map print from Star Crossed Skies shows the stars above a place on a night tied to the person who died: the night they were born, their wedding night, or a night the family shared. Dates back to 1900 work, and the print carries their name and a short message.

    Make your star mapRead more: A memorial star map

  2. Meals for the first weeks

    Cooked meals, delivered or left in the freezer, help in the first weeks when a family has no energy to cook. Ask about diets and allergies. A meal rota shared among friends avoids five lasagnes on one day.

  3. A memory jar

    Ask friends and family to write one memory each of the person on a card, and collect the cards in a jar. The family can read them slowly over months. It suits a family that likes stories more than objects.

  4. A memorial tree or plant

    A young tree for the garden, or a potted plant for a flat, grows as a living memorial. Choose one that is easy to keep alive. Add a small tag with the name.

  5. A print of their handwriting

    Scan a recipe card, a note or a signature in the person's handwriting and print or engrave it. Ask a family member for a sample first. Handwriting often brings a person back more strongly than a photo.

  6. A shared photo book

    Ask friends for their photos of the person, especially ones the family has never seen, and print them as a book. It takes time to collect, so give it weeks or months after the funeral.

  7. A donation in their name

    Give to a charity the person cared about, or one linked to how they died, and send the family a card that says so. Check the death notice, which often names a charity for donations.

  8. A memory cushion or quilt from their clothes

    A maker sews a cushion or quilt from the person's shirts or jumpers. Only offer this to close family, and only when they are ready to part with the clothes.

  9. A handwritten letter with one memory

    Write down one specific memory of the person: what they said, what they did, why it mattered to you. Families keep these letters. It is often more welcome than any object.

  10. Practical help

    Offer one specific job, such as mowing the lawn, walking the dog or doing the school run, on a set day. A specific offer is easier to accept than a general one.

  11. A memorial candle

    A candle with the person's name, to light on hard days, anniversaries and at Christmas. Choose an unscented candle if you do not know the family's taste.

  12. A framed photo of the person

    Choose a photo of the person at their happiest, ideally one the family may not have, and frame it. Ask a close friend if you are unsure which photo the family would like.

Timing matters

In the first days and weeks, practical help is most useful: meals, errands, childcare. Keepsakes can wait.

A few weeks after the funeral, the cards stop and the house goes quiet. That is a good time for a keepsake such as a star map, a photo book or a memory jar. The first anniversary and the person's birthday are hard days, and a note on those days is remembered.

Choosing a keepsake

If you knew the person well, choose something tied to them: their handwriting, their photos, a night you shared. If you knew them less well, choose something for the family: a plant, a donation or a letter.

For a star map, ask a close relative for the date and place. The night the person was born is a common choice, and their wedding night is another.

Keep the words simple. A name, the years and one short line say enough.

In Ireland, many people also bring a Mass card to the wake or funeral of a Catholic family. A keepsake can follow later.

Questions

A star map for this occasion

More gift ideas

Start with the night you want to keep.

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